Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
