Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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