Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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