Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
