if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
