it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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