Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize