I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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