Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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