so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
