I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize