He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
