I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
