can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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