My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
