Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
