Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
