i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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