I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
