It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
