Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
