i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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