My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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