Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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