maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
