I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
