I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
