"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
