Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
