I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We're not piercing ourselves today.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
