giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
