I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
