Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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