She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
