so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize