I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
