last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
