My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
