We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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