The maid of honor just puked.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
