What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
