I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
