I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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