Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
this is an emotional support booty call
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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