You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
