dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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