I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
