2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
