He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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