I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
