please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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