If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
