I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
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