I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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