so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
