dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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