Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize