i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
