Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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