It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
