woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
