I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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