yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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