I'm gonna have a badass scar
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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