he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
